Trisha Lively
“About 15 percent of one’s financial success is due to one’s technical knowledge and about 85 percent is due to . . . personality and the ability to lead people.” In other words, most people enjoy success by virtue of their people skills rather than their technical expertise. (Location 124)
In the first of the three sections of Part One, Carnegie reflects on the futility of criticizing others and advises to refrain from doing it at all costs. At the end of the section, he designates this notion as Principle 1: Don’t criticize, condemn or complain. (Location 158)
It takes a great deal more character to seek to understand people than to condemn them, and understanding—that is, trying to figure out why people do what they do—is far more effective than criticism, as it breeds tolerance and kindness. (Location 172)
Criticism is futile because most people are incapable of finding fault in themselves for anything; Consider Abraham Lincoln a model of self-control; When you feel the urge to criticize someone, ask yourself, “How would Lincoln handle this problem if he had it?”; Criticism usually prompts people to become defensive because we are creatures of emotion; Trying to understand people is far more effective than criticism because it breeds tolerance and kindness. (Location 179)
There is only one way to get someone to do something, Carnegie explains, and that is by making the person want to do it. Key to igniting a desire for action in people is showing sincere appreciation for them. (Location 191)
Heartfelt praise fulfills people’s yearning for importance, a need that Carnegie categorizes alongside other commonly recognized essentials such food, shelter, health, and love. (Location 193)
recognition in all of us is key to understanding the importance of showing honest appreciation for others. (Location 199)
Showing sincere appreciation for people ignites action in them; All people have a desire to be important; Showing sincere appreciation for people helps fulfill their desire to be important; It also motivates people; But it must be genuine praise and not cheap flattery; Fostering a spirit of approval rather than of criticism will improve our professional and personal relations. (Location 211)
“the only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it.” (Location 232)
If you want to persuade someone to do something, don’t engage in futile discussion of what you want. Figure out how to make that person want to do what you want and then devote the time and creativity it takes to arouse in someone an actual desire to do something. (Location 234)
“If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.” (Location 238)
But rearranging our thinking to prioritize other people’s needs and desires and to communicate not what we want, but how we can help others achieve what they want, is not difficult. (Location 243)
Principle 3: Arouse in the other person an eager want: Recognize that we are all interested in our own desires and wants; Influencing other people requires referring to what they want and showing them how to get it; Getting someone to do what you want requires figuring out how to (Location 251)
make that person want to do what you want; This entails mastering the ability to get the other person’s point of view; According to Carnegie, few people actually do this; But thinking in terms of others’ viewpoints is the apex of the “fine art of human relations;” It breeds a spirit of cooperation. (Location 255)
“You can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.” This constitutes the first principle of Part Two: Principle 1: Become genuinely interested in other people. (Location 274)
Real friendships and lasting relationships are built on taking a genuine interest in other people. (Location 289)
To fulfill Principle 1: Becoming genuinely interested in other people, Carnegie recommends considering the following: It is more effective to become genuinely interested in other (Location 292)
people than to try to get people interested in you; Showing genuine interest in other people helps build lasting and sincere friendships; Putting in the effort to know people wins their attention, time and cooperation; Showing interest in people involves small gestures such as warm greetings, remembering birthdays, taking extra time to speak with others; Real friendships and lasting relationships will be built only if your interest is sincere. (Location 294)
Mastering Principle 2: Smile entails understanding the following: Smile more; Smile sincerely; A smile signals praise and approbation, much like encouraging rather than criticizing people; If smiling does not come naturally to you, force yourself to smile initially; (Location 320)
Smiling can make you a happier person. (Location 326)
Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language. The inability to recall someone’s name communicates to that person your disinterest in him or her and his or her insignificance to you. (Location 337)
Carnegie explains Principle 3: Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language, as follows: People’s names are important to them; Many very successful people have made a deliberate effort to always remember people’s names; It is an effective way to gain good will; It makes people feel important. (Location 347)
Mnemonic devices: In 2013, Forbes magazine ran an article suggesting five tricks for (Location 355)
remembering names, a habit the business magazine values immensely. The tricks include: meet and repeat (meeting someone and repeating their name in your head); spell it out (having someone spell their name for you); associate (conjure up some sort of verbal game or image when you first hear a name); make connections (associate the person you’re speaking to with someone else you know with the same name); and choose to care (focus on learning names). (Location 355)
Carnegie chronicles how patient, sympathetic listening is appreciated in particular by customers, even unsatisfied customers, whose grievances can (Location 365)
disappear once they encounter someone who will take the time to listen to them. (Location 366)
a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves, it is necessary to understand these points: Attentive listening communicates your interest in people; It makes people feel important; A friendly, sympathetic listener puts people at ease and allows them to unburden themselves; Most people don’t understand the importance of listening; Being a good conversationalist means being an attentive listener. (Location 375)
Carnegie recounts how whenever Theodore Roosevelt expected a visitor, he read up on subjects he knew were of particular interest to that person. He understood that “the royal road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most.” In other words, focus on what other people are enthusiastic or curious about. (Location 387)
Following Principle 5: Talk in terms of the other person’s interests is straightforward: Talk about what other people are enthusiastic or curious about; Invest the time it takes to learn about others’ interests; (Location 396)
Often a new client can be gained by focusing on their interests rather than your objectives. (Location 399)
Carnegie explains in no uncertain terms that the principle of always making the other person feel important is an all-important law in human conduct, which will “bring us countless friends and constant happiness.” (Location 411)
What is more, expressing sincere, heartfelt appreciation of others, whether artists you happen to admire or your employees, can reap broad and unexpected benefits. (Location 417)
“Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.” (Location 421)
Carnegie elucidates the following points about Principle 6: Make the other person feel important—and do it sincerely: The principle of always making the other person feel important is an all-important law in human conduct; This principle is at its core the same as the Golden Rule; Obeying the Golden Rule is the way to sincerely make someone feel important; The Golden Rule can be put into practice in small ways by always using little courtesies or (Location 430)
expressing sincere appreciation of others; Putting effort into the fine art of human relations can produce unforeseen good fortune for you. (Location 436)
Arguing puts people in a defensive position where they get a feeling of importance by asserting their authority. But misunderstandings or disagreements (Location 456)
Carnegie’s claim that you can’t win an argument can be broken down as follows: Arguing is futile; When they argue, opponents become defensive; Arguments rarely persuade people to adopt a different opinion; Follow the techniques for not allowing a disagreement to escalate into an argument; At all costs, avoid arguing. (Location 465)
this chapter cautions against challenging people or attempting to prove them wrong. (Location 477)
Telling people they are wrong, even when you are certain they are, is not worth the trouble it usually causes. In these situations, rely on diplomacy. Carnegie offers what he considers “positive magic” in the art of disagreeing. Express your difference of opinion with flexibility and self-reflection using phrases such as, “Well, now, look. I thought otherwise, but I may be wrong. I frequently am. And if I am wrong, I want to be put right. Let’s examine the facts.” This recognition of one’s own fallibility puts others at ease and appears more as an invitation to negotiate or explore together with others, rather than an attempt to disprove them on a matter. (Location 481)
Principle 2: Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say “you’re wrong.” Review To avoid telling people they’re wrong, Carnegie suggests the following: Don’t attempt to prove people wrong; it almost never leads someone to change their outlook; In disagreements, rely on diplomacy; Express your difference of opinion with flexibility and self-reflection; Admit that you may be wrong; (Location 494)
Know that humans are not always logical; Understand that ridicule and abuse never prompt someone to agree with us; Never say “you’re wrong.” (Location 502)
When we’re wrong, Carnegie suggests the following: Always be open to readily admit it when you’re incorrect or at fault for something; Quickly admitting we’re wrong is more likely to elicit a generous and forgiving attitude than a defensive stance would; One can also benefit personally from having the courage to admit errors; It is also a sign of strong character to admit one’s mistakes; Every time you’re wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically. (Location 529)
the speech, Rockefeller made an effort to meet the (Location 551)
spend time with their families, and talk with them on a personal level. (Location 551)
The principle that gentleness and friendliness are stronger than fury and force is central to getting people to come around to your way of thinking. (Location 559)
To explain Principle 4: Begin in a friendly way, Carnegie emphasizes the following: Always seek to make friends out of enemies; Remember that friendliness begets friendliness; Gentleness and friendliness are central to getting people to come around to your way of thinking; The friendly approach can inspire people to change their minds much faster than anger and force. (Location 566)